


unbalanced triumphant and trying again

by cinnamonollie



Series: what we (don't) talk about [1]
Category: Dimension 20 (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, But also, Fluff, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, pretty graphic descriptions of a panic attack, recovery isn't linear yall, spoilers for fhsy, very platonic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:26:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,467
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26490373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cinnamonollie/pseuds/cinnamonollie
Summary: Back from Cathlethriel Tower, Adaine slips away from the group. Gorgug follows.*Spoilers for FHSY*
Relationships: Adaine Abernant & Gorgug Thistlespring
Series: what we (don't) talk about [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1925869
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	unbalanced triumphant and trying again

**Author's Note:**

> i love gorgug and adaine's friendship and through this fic u will too
> 
> Song title from Prayer by Keaton Henson - A recommended song pairing for this fic.

Getting back was, well, a lot. She’d missed her friends terribly, of course, and seeing them again was wonderful but all that attention just made her want to run. Everyone was looking at her and asking her questions and checking if she was okay, and she knew they meant well but she could barely keep up with what they were saying. The kids talked over each other, loud and excitable as usual, but listening was so,  _ so _ hard. Adaine slipped away to the van, alone. The messy blanket piles of the van were a welcome change from the cold elven architecture of the prison. Small spaces were good. They were safe; unexposed. Between therapy and medication she’d got good at quelling her panic attacks but the missed doses and lack of sleep and the sheer effort she’s put into being brave in the face of her father has almost broken her. Her chest was heavy; she sat with shaky, quick breaths. It was like a flood, the way it happened. A small body, a vast ocean, thick swell pushing her under, drowning her, and then spitting her out as unflinchingly as it had swallowed her. There are few things as formidable and unforgiving as the sea. She gripped the blankets of the seat hard, trying to anchor body and mind to this space. Hands sweaty, eyes fixed hard on the floor, a fog of nausea hit her. Panic rose like bile in her throat. She couldn’t think; couldn’t breath. Her mind was floating away, she could feel it. 

There’s a knock at the van door,

"Uh hey Adaine? Are you in there? It's Gorgug." 

Her breath hitches. She presses down the knot in her throat. Adaine stands, unsteady, and opens the door,

“Hey.” Her voice is smaller and weaker than she expects. She takes a step back to let Gorgug in, and as he climbs the steps he says,

“I just thought I’d come and check on you and uh,” he trails off. “Are you okay?” Adaine shakes her head no, still looking down at the floor. Tears prick hot behind her eyes. Gorgug steps forward and sweeps her into a big hug, holding her tight, and says softly “We missed you.” The way he says it is like a prayer, a blessing. 

“I, I, I,,,” she starts, but she can’t finish. She swallows hard and nodded into Gorgug’s chest an “I missed you too.” The dam breaks and she can’t stop sobbing. Her knees go weak from exhaustion, as a tiny voice inside her says “you don’t have to be this strong all the time”. He puts his face gently down to the top of her head and strokes her hair; his breathing a steady tempo against her uncontrolled shaking. Gorgug guides her to one of the big, soft seats lining the side of the van, but it barely registers. 

“Hey, it’s okay. I’ve got you. I’ve got you.”

She tries to speak again, but it comes out as a choked sob and she buries her face into the hug, and in that moment Gorgug decides that he’s never going to let someone he cares about get taken ever again. He’s always thought of Adaine as the most capable, most powerful of them all; her determination, her skill, her divinatory abilities, it was all way beyond him. But right now, she feels so fragile in his arms.

“You’re okay now. It’s over. You’re safe now, you're safe.”

They sit like that for a long time; Adaine trying to remember how to breathe, her tears soaking into his shirt, Gorgug holding her, rubbing small circles on her back.

  
  


“Why did they hate me so much?” Adaine’s voice is so quiet that Gorgug almost doesn’t hear it. But he does. And it breaks his heart. Gorgug spent so long in search of his ‘real’ parents he spent years not really appreciating just how  _ loved  _ he was and how  _ lucky  _ he was to be that loved. He wished he’d spent more time learning from his parents, because he wishes he could fix this. He wishes he could fix a lot of things. “Why did they hate me?” she whispers, “I could- I could never do anything right.”  
I tried. I tried  _ so _ hard to be a good daughter. When I was at Hudol I tried so fucking hard to be what they wanted but I just. Couldn’t do it.” 

“Adaine, I don’t know why your parents were so- so cruel. But I do know that you deserved better. You deserve better.” He pauses. “And uh- and I, I feel like, y’know everybody wants to be a good kid for their parents I think but, at the same time, I guess you also can’t be something you’re not. Like, I can’t stop being a half-orc, I was like, never not going to break stuff in my parents house; they’re tiny, but I can’t also be tiny right? Look I don’t know if I’m making sense but what I’m trying to say is I’m glad you’re not like what your parents wanted. I’m glad you’re Adaine. And I’m sorry that they ever let you think you were anything less than brilliant.” 

Adaine squeezes his hand, “Thank you.” The words are hard for her to accept, they don’t fully compute, but she’s grown enough in the past year to know that sometimes she doesn’t have the clearest head when it comes to her own worth. She puts on a lot of bravado, she has for a while, desperately hoping that nobody sees how broken and fragile and fucking scared she is. Fake it ‘till you make it baby. Feigned self confidence helped her to navigate through social situations, make friends, pretend that she’s okay. But it felt like a con. She wasn’t Fig, this wasn’t her thing, and now it was all coming crashing down. As much as she tried to drown it out, there was always that nervous twitch deep in her chest, just behind the sternum, like a bee trapped in a glass. Maybe her father was right, maybe she just needed fixing. She was ungrateful, and a disappointment, and maybe her parents did love her, or had loved her once, but she had been too stubborn to notice. That little, loud voice of criticism in her head had the same tone as her fathers; cold, clinical, pragmatic. Cruel. But as she came back to herself, ground up, soul connecting with body, she felt Gorgug’s hand in hers, the power of Kristen and Tracker’s Halo and decided that, no, this here was love. She thought back to every time her parents had been cruel and judgmental under the guise of being diplomatic, fair or practical. She thought of every “to bed without supper”, every punishment, every dismissal, every bruise, every time where they could have been kind, but they weren’t. That wasn’t love. A child isn’t a tool or a trophy or a means to an end. 

“It was scary. Really scary. I pretended it wasn’t, but it really really was.” The need for eloquence had escaped her, “They nearly killed her.”

“Aelwyn?”

Adaine nods. “They were going to kill me. If I didn’t do what they wanted. They said they would just, they would just find a new oracle. Make a new oracle.” She stops, trying to wrestle with the bare bones of what they did to her. “They didn’t care. They didn’t give a shit that we were kids, or that we were scared. They didn’t care. And I don’t know how you even go up against people like that. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to dump all this on you, that’s not fair.”

“No it’s fine, really! Please don’t apologise, Adaine. You, of all people, have nothing to be sorry for. And I swear to God we are going to make those elf motherfuckers pay.” 

Adaine lets out a little laugh, and wipes at her tears. “You’re a better friend than I deserve, Gorgug.” 

It’s going to take a lot of healing. She knows that. And Aelywn? Well that's a whole different deal. The elven healers had taken her off somewhere and Adaine couldn’t even begin to think of the damage that they would need to fix there. Even so, there was a little spark of hope left in her yet. Maybe, just maybe, there would be something for them to rebuild together. She didn’t believe all too much in the power of hope, she wasn’t going to get carried away here; things change, the world is harsh, prepare for the worst. Always. But as she slipped into trance, succumbing to her exhaustion, under the halo of the van, resting by Gorgug’s side, she felt more safe, and more loved than she had in a long time. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos much appreciated!! ily!! 
> 
> who knows, i might do a cheeky part 2 to this??


End file.
